


The two of us against everything

by rinrin_obliviate



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Heidi Hansen, Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, Hurt/Comfort, Just totally crying and angsty, Mother-Son Relationship, Other, What if it had gone differently, dear evan hansen - Freeform, so big/so small, this might be long so bear with the long emotional rollercoaster of human emotions, what else to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:41:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21646972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinrin_obliviate/pseuds/rinrin_obliviate
Summary: What if it had gone differently?=Evan confesses his attempt to Heidi after his confession to the Murphys="Evan did not want to tell the story he told a million times. His feeling worsen and he wants to choke because this is different. This is not one of those fabricated stories he made up whenever he was asked. Here there was no Connor, no Orchard…just the truth. The bare, unmistaken truth."
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	The two of us against everything

**Author's Note:**

> Some dialogues were from the musical/book, while others were from me. I don't usually post fanfics, but this one's special. Will this get deleted, who knows? But until then, enjoy (lol) this roller coaster ride of emotions!

Evan’s mind was racing with a million different thoughts, and he was clueless on how to stop them.

He was afraid, so afraid of that feeling to come back. After everything that had happened, his so called profound “happiness” when he came into the lives of the Murphys, he thought it was over. That he had gotten rid of that feeling, and for once, he felt like he belongs. Belonged.

And now Evan was back to where he was before, only worst. He wanted to fix what he’d done so badly, but there’s nothing he could do. The damage is done—to himself, to the Murphys, to his friends, to the world…

To his mom. 

Because that’s what he is, right? He could only make things worse for the people that he love. Maybe he is selfish, vile, and every word that you can say about him. He wanted more when he had enough. He desperately wanted friends that will accept him for who he is, listen to what he had to say and have someone to hang-out. And maybe that’s why he used Connor’s death to step into the light. He didn’t want Connor to die, did he? 

And as he walk towards his mom, sitting in the sofa, he thought about her. He wanted to say sorry, sorry because he could’ve been better than the mess he is now, sorry for wanting more and feeling that she was not enough, sorry because he was the very reason why she’s crying and feeling forgotten—

“I saw that post…on the Connor Project…,” Heidi stammered, staring at her laptop disbelievingly. Evan knew what she was going to say, how bad her mom is going to react. He didn’t mean for his intentions to go that far, and there’s nothing he can do to stay silent. He was wrong, so what could he argue about.

“I-it’s all over the internet,” Heidi continued, and at that moment, Evan saw that his mom was at loss of words. Heidi, his mom, who would usually have something to say, even just the silliest and ridiculous stuff, was rendered speechless. A long pause, and Heidi said, in almost a whisper, “Connor didn’t really write this, did he?”

She knew. Of course she knew. Another agonizing silence, and finally “You wrote this letter.” She stared at him, desperately searching for an affirmation even though she knew the answer. Evan didn’t need to nod before she took his silence as a yes. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Evan stammered.

“I’m sorry,” Heidi whispered. He looked at her mom in surprise, because for all Evan knew, he should be the one apologizing. He had caused so much sadness and frustration to his mom, thinking about his own instead. 

“I didn’t know you were hurting,” Heidi said, and Evan couldn’t help to think that his mom was blaming herself, and she repeated the same words as if she wanted to make herself believe. “I didn’t know you were hurting so bad,” she added, regret and sympathy in her voice. Heidi felt doing so hard, yet still lacking. She worked for days and nights, stared at her documents non-stop, only to keep the two of them alive. And she wanted to kick herself on the head, realizing that she had forgotten who made her feel alive in the first place. 

“I didn’t tell you,” Evan felt like he could only hear himself as he said those words. Evan didn’t want that, never wanted for someone to take him as broken and needs sympathy. He never desired for help, but maybe, just for now, it’s what he needs.

And as Heidi heard those words, she felt her world crashing on her back once again. Was she that busy? Did she lack? She constantly asked herself these questions, yet Heidi felt like the blame was still on her.

“You didn’t have to,” was all she could say, and it was true. She should have been there, she should have noticed. Heidi knew she should, she could, but she didn’t. And now she’s watching her own son fall apart and it feels like she’s tearing and hurting and—

“I-I’m sorry.” Evan moved slightly closer, afraid that even the slightest distance will strain their relationship. “I-I didn’t want for this to happen, never meant to go this far. I didn’t want to hurt you, but now I did, and I’m sorry if that’s all I ever do and after everything that had happened I know you deserve so much better and I’m sorry if I couldn’t—“ he was caught off guard by his mother approaching (or running) into him and giving Evan one of those tight hugs. It wasn’t one of those hugs that seemed forced, or the ones her mother gave as an attempt to show encouragement and support. It wasn’t one of those you see parents give on the first day of school, or going out or home from work. It wasn’t something that you’ll let it slip, buried from a distant memory and carried away by time.

No, Evan realized that it was one of those tight hugs (her mom always hugged him tight, but rarely this way) her mom gave when his dad had driven away the truck, and disappeared along with it. It was one of those hugs when they realized that it was just and it will only be the two of them, and these were the kind of hug that he knew he’d keep in his pocket and take with. 

At that moment, Evan returned the hug, clutching his mom so desperately almost as if it was his life support. Tears were flowing in his eyes, and Heidi too. This wasn’t the hug he thought he needed, but he did. And now here he was in his vulnerable state, seemingly broken and unfixed. 

Heidi was crying too, and even she admitted to herself that they both look like a mess. She was falling apart, she wanted to scream and ask and lock herself in the room and blame herself. But she knew she needed to pull herself together. For Evan. She whispered soothing things into his ear as she tightly held his son, whom she felt worried and somehow happy for his confinement in her.

“It’s okay. It’s alright,” was all she could say. “You don’t have to apologize. I’m here, it’ll be okay,” and suddenly Evan was a little kid again, and she was confused and scared about their future. She was back to saying things she wanted to believe, needed to believe. For them. She wanted to reassure him, make him believe that she’s there and she’ll do anything for her son.

Heidi knew that it was impossible. That whatever she’ll do, she’ll come up short. There will always be something missing, and even she was clueless on how to fix what’s been broken. But right now, she has to make Evan believe. She had to give what Evan needed to hear. 

“I just--,“ Evan sniffled and tried to wipe his tears, but his efforts were useless as they kept flowing along. “I felt so alone over the summer and I wanted someone, anyone to see me,” he paused. “But I guess that doesn’t justify what I did.”

“I didn’t-I didn’t know why you had to create this,” Heidi waved her arm and continued, “distance between the two of us.”

Evan bowed his head, ashamed of what he was about to say. “I didn’t want you to look at me, treat me as if I was broken. As if I needed help. As if I’m one of those who needs medical attention just to function and be okay,” a pause, and he continued, “and it took me a long time and a lot of pretending to admit that I needed it.”

“I didn’t want you see how broken and unfixable I am,” Evan whispered to almost nobody in that living room, as if he was letting those words sink into his own mind. 

“You don’t need to be fixed, Evan,” Heidi looked at him. 

Another long silence, before Evan finally had something to say. “I just couldn’t…I couldn’t admit what really happened at the Ellison Park. How I broke my arm. I was too horrified that I kept denying it to myself.”

Heidi wondered what more she couldn’t have known about Evan. He fell off a tree. He said he called his boss, who drove him to the hospital. She wasn’t at duty that time, so she got home seeing her son in a cast. 

But then the “letters” got over the internet, and now she was given a version where Connor was accompanying him, had been there when he broke his arm. Sitting in front of Evan, she wanted the truth, wanted to demand it. But she had to let her son talk. She is, for once, an open door. She wants Evan to talk to him with pure intentions instead of forcing herself to do so. 

Evan did not want to tell the story he told a million times. His feeling worsen and he wants to choke because this is different. This is not one of those fabricated stories he made up whenever he was asked. Here there was no Connor, no Orchard…just the truth. The bare, unmistaken truth.

“There was this big oak tree and I…I didn’t know what had gotten into me,” he held his breath. “I climbed it. I did, and I didn’t realize I was so high. I didn’t need to go higher because everything I saw was so beautiful.” 

Heidi didn’t know where Evan was going. He pursed his lips, drew on a deep breath and continued.

“Everything was so simple, the houses and the people and everything around me. I can see everything, and yet the feeling was there. Like…like I am not in control of it.” Evan closed his eyes. “You know that feeling, when you stare at something happening in front of you, and yet you could do nothing but stand there, and well, let the worst thing happen to you.” 

Heidi saw Evan’s eyes starting to well up in tears again. She wanted to tell Evan that she knew, knew the feeling of hopelessness and uncertainty. She was in the exact same place Evan was telling her for, like 10 years ago?

“I just…I didn’t know what I thought.” He couldn’t go father, but he had to. Evan had to say it, out loud, because when you tell things to someone it becomes more real, a proof that it hadn’t just happened in his head. 

“The world goes on, and I was no part of it,” Evan felt his voice crack, and found himself repeating the same words. “The world goes on, with or without you. That’s just how it works.”

Heidi, who was momentarily silent, was still processing what Evan was saying. Then it hit her. And when you’re hit with a realization, you do two things: deny or cry. But denying something usually ends up in acceptance and tears. She started to understand, and yet denial was coursing through her veins and filling up questions in her mind. What is he talking about? What he’s saying is untrue, untrue, and untrue. 

But she has to start hearing Evan out. She couldn’t live in denial again, not if she wants Evan to reconnect. So she listens. 

“And it..it,” Evan was breathing heavily, tears were now flowing in his eyes. “When I fell, after I l-let go, I woke up and got hit with the most painful part. Worse than the numbed arm,” Evan paused, trying to regain his self but once again failing. “It’s the anticipation. The waiting. I waited for someone to come, someone to be there. N-no one came. I thought that was supposed to be funny but it isn’t. It hurts. Because it led me to believe that no one will ever be there.”

At that point, Evan was sobbing hysterically. The kind where you want to let it all out but you’re stuck, so you stifle everything in silence and failing miserably. He felt his whole body shake in tears, like he had to force inside all the madness that wanted to get out. 

Heidi stared at his crying son and bit her lower lip. He was curling up in the sofa, crying and shaking and forcing himself in a corner like he was afraid he was taking too much space. This was her first time seeing Evan like this. It was not like the tantrums he used to throw when he was a child, or the tears you see while watching a movie. No, this Evan was vulnerable. This was a side of him that no one has ever seen, that was never exposed, yet it laid bare in front of her. It shattered her heart a million pieces. 

“Breathe, Evan. Breathe with me,” was all Heidi could say at the moment. She was worried that Evan might have a full-blown panic attack, and she needed to breathe too. She could do nothing but rub circles at the back of his hand, hoping that the soothing gesture would calm the child. And it did. 

Once again, they sat there in silence. The crying boy, sniffling and tired after pouring his heart out, and a mother. Heidi couldn’t say anything. She couldn’t even think of anything. All she could do was feel. She was feeling the waves of guilt crashing through her. It all started to make sense. The phone calls from Evan that she’d missed, her not being able to get to the hospital, walking home with Evan wearing a cast. 

Over the summer, she didn’t notice. Evan was in his normal self, if that was even considered normal. He found a new thing to do, and even though it didn’t involve interacting with people much, Heidi was proud of him. It never occurred to her that something was wrong, is wrong, that it will end up like that.

But then again, depression is not obvious. Not at first, no. It swallows you from the inside while on the outside all you could do is smile and nod and say “I’m fine.” You wouldn’t know it is there, lurking, until it is too late.

And even then, Heidi wasn’t there. If she could just have been there, if she answered just one of his phone calls…then she would’ve taken him from the hospital, accompany him as he gets his cast on, and maybe he’d talked to her about what had happen. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so alone and broken.

She wanted to say sorry, sorry because she was lacking, sorry because she hadn’t been there, sorry because she didn’t see that it was getting worse. But no, she knew Evan was tired, and she’s tired too. They didn’t want to be regarded as someone who needs sympathy. Evan needs a mother, so that’s what she’ll be for him.

“Remember that day when your father left?” Heidi blurted out, her voice cracking for a bit. Evan was taken aback by her mother’s words. He expected her to blame him, ask him questions like ‘why did you think like that?’ Or ‘was I not enough’ or worse, schedule another appointment with Dr. Sherman right there and there. 

“It was scary for me, all right. But I didn’t want you to get scared or cry, because that will make me more scared and make me cry harder and I don’t want that,” Heidi paused. “But you got out and saw that big truck and just…ran into it, I guess. You had this huge smile plastered in your face, and I realized that it was one of those innocent happiness before the storm. I didn’t want to take what happiness was about to be left from you, so I was there smiling. And your father smiled too, before packing his stuff on that truck.”

Evan didn’t know where her mom was going, but he let her continue. After all, this was about his dad. When it’s about dad, it must be that serious. 

“And when I saw the smile on your dad’s face, I realized that even though he’ll leave, he’ll still love you. But I was still mad because yes, he love you. Loved us. But he didn’t love us enough to stay, didn’t love us enough to find another patch to seal what had been broken.”

Heidi paused and closed her eyes, as if recounting what had happened during Evan’s childhood. Or was she trying not to cry?

“I was unsure that time, and I was standing in our house feeling the exact same way you were…you are. Hopeless, because your father is going whether I like to or not. There was nothing I could do, and I was unsure of what was ahead of us. But when night came and I tucked you into bed…you know what made me sure of one thing?” Heidi asked.

“Hmm,” Evan responded, his mother’s tone calming him down.

“You asked if there was another truck coming, a truck that will take mommy away,” Heidi replied with a light smile in her face.

“From then I promised to stay. Back then, I knew that there will be many times that I’ll fail you, that I won’t be good enough without your father. But I promised myself to make it up to you over and over again. And confronted with a choice to make another decision, I’d always choose to stay.”

Evan felt grateful. He guessed that that was her mom’s way of saying sorry. It was good, because he didn’t want to hear another “sorry” get repeated for over a multitude times, to the point that it got common and taken for granted. He then realized, maybe he could start over again. He could make mistakes, cry on them, and start over and do the same thing again. Just what her mother did.

He hugged his mom, and felt himself saying the four words as if it came from his heart and flown directly into his lips.

“I love you, mom.”

Maybe they can start over again. Together. The two of them against everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Just finished the Dear Evan Hansen book, and guess who's a wreck now? If you enjoyed this, check out other fanfics that I'll be posting. Leave a kudos! Mahal ko kayo hehe.


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